I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
