M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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