My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
