I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
