News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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