Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize