Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You don't make any sense
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