She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He's a Shit stain on my heart
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
