Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
