I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
