I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
