Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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