I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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