I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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