Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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