I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
