Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize