I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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