i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
