my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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