YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
