What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
That was before I lit my hair on fire
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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