I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize