Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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