I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
