So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize