wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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