drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
