I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just tell him i said nine months
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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