My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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