she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
