my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
