You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
