what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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