He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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