Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.

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(972): View more from Texas

So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.

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(631): View more from New York

But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.

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(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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(207): View more from Maine

you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom

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(530): View more from California

Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.

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(817): View more from Texas

i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.

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