So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
