I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
