May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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