I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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