She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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