I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm too high and old for this...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
