Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
