No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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