Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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