My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
