I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
