Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
