I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
