the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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