please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
