I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
