I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
