woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
