i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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