Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize