this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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