My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
