once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
