He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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