Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize