he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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