is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
