I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
