I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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