he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just sent this text using only my big toe
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
