I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
