so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
